“More than a handful of good friends is nearly too much because we can’t do the give and take,” says Raewyn Elsegood, a chaplain in sport and self-confessed seeker of friendships and community.
Raewyn is joined in this Helping Hands panel discussion by psychologist, Collett Smart; and teacher, Rod Braine, to discuss why friendships are so important to us.
A good friend is someone for whom you are willing to jump out of bed in the middle of the night, Raewyn illustrates. But the deep level of trust and commitment in such a friendship doesn’t happen instantly.
Raewyn’s dearest friendships have begun through the sharing of a common interest and evolved from there by simply being willing to turn up consistently.
“I look at my own husband … standing on the sideline (of a sports ground). We’ve made some of our best friends just supporting our children … Because he kept turning up, he worked out that the guy next to him had the same interest in old cars, so he gravitated to him next time.”
Proximity is one of the most significant contributors to building friendships, confirms Collett. The phenomenon is so significant, she teaches students about it in her university lectures.
However, as much as we are made for relationship, Collett adds, we shouldn’t expect to build and maintain more than one or two deep friendships if we hope to keep life and all its priorities in balance.
“It’s (only) those one or two close relationships that I can really spend some time investing in, because I also need downtime, and my family’s very precious to me … It doesn’t mean you’re not there for others, or you wouldn’t reach out to others … but it’s good for our wellbeing as a whole.”
We start practicing the art of creating deep friendships in our childhoods, says Rod. For students transitioning from primary school to high school, Rod explains, camps are run early in the year and a wide range of activities consistently offered, assisting students to find friendships during a time that can be uncertain for many.
“You arrive in Year 7 … people sort of stand around awkwardly, then they’ll gravitate towards a sporting activity, or some other type of fun activity that they’re doing at the school. You sort of ‘try on’ friendships … you see whether it works, or it doesn’t work, and that can be a difficult process.”
No matter what stage of life we find ourselves, it’s the depth of connection, concludes Collett, that makes a friendship flourish. But all deep and trust-filled friendships are also the product of time.
“Time is where you start. You can’t hope to have a good friend or a close friend in a month or two. It’s just not going to happen. You need to spend time with that person, investing in them, getting to know them, sharing things with them, challenging each other. And that takes months, sometimes years.”
See the IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS discussion and the full catalogue of Helping Hands panels at helpinghands.tv. Catch up on full episodes of Helping Hands on 9NOW.
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* Our panellists, Collett Smart, Raewyn Elsegood and Rod Braine, and the Helping Hands producers are available for interview on radio, TV and online to discuss this topic. Get in touch at helpinghands.tv/contact/
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