Whether facing everyday stress or devastating tragedy, learning to cope when life feels like it is spinning out of control begins with grounding ourselves physically, naming our feelings, and having the courage to simply be.
This week, Helping Hands explores how to navigate moments of chaos with psychologist Collett Smart, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder Danny Abdallah.
When things seem to be spinning out of control, this Helping Hands panel discussion encourages us to:
Physical, Psychological, Social Wellbeing
Collett explains that when things feel out of control, our brains can't function properly if our bodies are in chaos. The first step is always physical grounding – literally putting both feet on the floor and taking deep breaths focusing on the exhale. Drinking water helps too. These simple acts signal to your body that you're safe, allowing your brain to engage.
"What happens is that gets your body to start to realise that you're actually safe and you're okay. And then your brain can kick in," Collett explains.
“When you rehearse breathing techniques while stuck in traffic or missing the bus, you build healthy defaults that activate automatically when life truly spins out of control.”
Perspective and Presence in the Chaos
Raewyn walks directly into chaos as a disaster recovery chaplain. Her role is to be the calmest person in the room, bringing the level of panic down through confident presence and a smile. But she's learned that "spinning out of control" is deeply subjective – what feels catastrophic to one person might seem manageable to another, and both experiences are valid.
When Raewyn's daughter was diagnosed with severe aplastic anaemia four years ago, she initially coped by staying in chaplain mode – the voice in her head offering pastoral care sustained her through the first year after her daughter's death. But in the second year, she had to surrender that professional identity and become mother Raewyn, allowing herself to grieve without control.
“The strategy I use to get out of bed is, it's a new day, I put my feet into the carpet and I curl my toes and I feel and allow every sense to come alive in my body, and it tells me that I've still got life to live,” Raewyn says. “I've still got two more children to care for, a husband to love, and people to serve.”
Two Types of Courage
Danny speaks from the most unimaginable loss – three of his children killed by a drunk driver. Through that tragedy, he discovered something crucial about courage. The first type is when you put on armour and fight.
"The second type is when things are spinning out of control and you know whatever you do, it's going to make it worse and you've got to just surrender and offer it up to a higher being or God, and just sit in it and wait," Danny says.
Danny says that we grieve alone but heal together. “Everyone processes [things] differently, and that's okay.”
When tragedy strikes, the human spirit rises, and people open up and help in ways they don't during ordinary times.
What sustained his family was community – fruit platters appearing at their door, people quietly dropping things off, neighbours who didn't leave their side. Danny sees God in these moments of service, noting that modern people can't see the divine because they don't look low enough.
Whether the chaos is missing a bus or losing a child, the coping principles remain the same: ground yourself physically, name your feelings without judgement, reach out rather than isolate, and remember that your journey will look different from everyone else's.
Collett says that sometimes the best thing we can do when things spin out of control is to take one tiny step forward. And then another.
If you or someone you know needs support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
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