When tragedy strikes, the most powerful thing we can offer isn't advice or solutions – it's simply being present and creating a safe space.
This week, Helping Hands explores what it means to support others during their darkest moments with Wayside Chapel CEO Jon Owen, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder Danny Abdallah.
Key points from this Helping Hands panel discussion:
Creating Safe Spaces to Collapse
Jon operates from a simple but profound philosophy at Wayside Chapel: “No one is a problem to be solved, they're a person to be met.”
During difficult times, people can feel like they're falling without anything to grab onto. Jon says that people need safe spaces where they're allowed to collapse and be whatever they need to be in their moments of vulnerability.
"If someone walks away feeling met rather than worked on, then we open up the possibility that we might have a day where change could begin to happen," Jon explains.
People in crisis often believe their pain is unique and that no one will understand them. Rather than trying to convince them otherwise, Jon simply sits alongside them. He says the principles of presence and listening hold true regardless of someone's background – we're all members of the family of humanity.
The Courage to Step Forward
Raewyn continues saying presence is the foundation of support. While many people want to run away when disaster strikes, chaplains are trained to step forward into tragedy and simply be present.
“The second critical skill is listening,” she says. As friends, we often try to empathise by sharing our own experiences, inadvertently making it about us.
When helping people experiencing difficult times, Raewyn says we need to remove our story from the picture and listen long enough to understand the actual needs of the people we are trying to support.
"It's not about us or our story. We're just there to be present and to listen," says Raewyn, when explaining how to be a comforting presence.
Presence, listening, and referral to people who can help form the core of effective support.
The Human Spirit in Action
Danny speaks from lived experience. On February 1, 2020, a drunk driver killed his three children – Antony, Angelina, and Sienna – along with their cousin Veronique. Two days later, his wife Leila publicly forgave the driver, shocking the world. Through their foundation i4Give, Danny and Leila now teach about forgiveness – not as something that removes grief or pain, but as something that helps you move forward.
What Danny witnessed in the aftermath was the beauty of the human spirit. Meals and other essential daily needs were provided for up to six months – the community stepped in completely. This taught Danny something crucial about support: don't wait to be asked, just show up.
"Don't feel the need of not intruding – intrude," Danny says. "The phone call that says, 'Hey mate, I'm just checking in on you,' are the most wonderful words you could hear in the midst of someone's pain."
Danny now works as a prison chaplain, and his journey taught him that there are no winners when tragedy strikes. Mothers grieve children lost to accidents, but other mothers grieve children lost to prison. Forgiveness, he's learned, is where healing can begin.
Ultimately, supporting people through tough times isn't about having solutions or shared experiences. It's about showing up, listening without agenda, and creating safe spaces for people to be fully human in their pain.
If you or someone you know needs support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
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