For chaplain, Raewyn Elsegood, the best parenting wisdom she learned and applied to raising her three children was to “look at them all as their personal best, and their individual best”.
In this Helping Hands panel discussion, Raewyn is joined by psychologist, Collett Smart, and teacher, Rod Braine, to discuss the important topic of parenting styles – what they are and how they can effectively be applied in a family setting.
During a long career as a sports chaplain, Raewyn spent a lot of time next to coaches on the sidelines. She considered it a privilege to watch how they interacted with players, encouraged them to be their best and gleaning wisdom about what led to success. She learned that success came not from winning as a team, but from each player achieving their personal best as a player. It’s a philosophy she’s adapted successful to the “family team” at home.
“Rather than have rules,” Raewyn explains, “we sat down and we discussed, and we listened and we went backwards and forwards until we found the individual boundary for each child.”
When defining parenting styles, Collett says that although there are lots of modern terms applied to parenting, such as the helicopter or tiger parent, in essence, respected literature on parenting describes four parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful.
“Across culture and communities,” says Collett, “authoritative parenting style is the one that sees the best outcomes for children right into adulthood. Authoritative parenting is about truckloads of love, but it’s also about boundaries – because boundaries help our children feel safe and loved.”
However, Collett also qualifies that successful parenting is about more than adopting a helpful parenting style or setting boundaries. No two children are the same, and parents should consider different boundaries not only between children, but also according to each child’s age, personality and other individual needs.
“Everything around boundaries is about relationship … leaning into relationship. And sometimes, particularly as our kids grow, there may be some things as our kids reach later teenage years or young adult years, where you lean into the relationship more than the boundaries.”
Drawing on more than thirty-five years of experience teaching in Australian school classrooms, Rod can confidently say that no two children learn in the same way. With so much valuable life learning needing to also happen successfully in family homes, many of the same principles of learning apply as much to home as they do to the classroom.
“You need to try to spark curiosity because if kids want to learn something they will … even the way we need to deliver information now is different. A lot of it is (anchored in) giving choice … it’s important to think about, What is the real game?”
Collett agrees wholeheartedly, adding the wisdom that giving choice to a child, particularly in difficult situations, gives a child a sense of autonomy and more often leads to easier-won compliance and cooperation.
Finally, Collett also implores today’s parents to steer clear of the temptation to blindly adopt the same parenting style they experienced as children, because it may not see the best outcomes for their children, even if they feel it worked for them when they were young.
“As a parent myself of three children – I’ve got two sons and a daughter – and I would say my boys are as different from each other as they are from their sister … Parent according to the child that you have, and connecting with the child that you have, and their interests.”
“If you can spend more time with your kids.” Rod adds, “carve it out. Prioritise it. That’s going to be the currency you draw on later on when there’s challenges.”
#helpinghandstvau #makingtheworldabetterplace #paneldiscussion #impactmakers #impact #gamechangers #socialgood #tvshowforsocialgood #differentparentingstyles #parenting #parentingstyles #caringforchildren #parentingadvice #collettsmart #raisingteens #raewynelsegood #rodbraine
