“Unmet expectations are usually around relationships,” explains psychologist, Collett Smart. “You feel really let down and unloved, often because you think … they should have known, and they didn’t know, and now you feel hurt.”
Collett is joined in this episode of Helping Hands by Ian Barnett, founder of the National Grandparent Movement; and Nathan Brewer, youth worker, to discuss what unmet expectations are, why they occur and how to avoid them.
No matter what the nature of our relationships with family, friends or colleagues, the ways in which our relationships with others are forged and grown creates expectations.
When our expectations are fulfilled, relational harmony is easier to maintain. But sometimes our expectations of others remain unmet, and this can cause confusion, pain and relational breakdown.
Unmet expectations, says Collett, are most often attributed to our unwillingness to communicate them. But the reasons why we fail to express our expectations to others are vast and varied.
At its core, explains Collett, our expectations are borne of a desire to be known and loved.
“I’ve been married for thirty years … and some of our niggles at home are still around unmet expectations … Sometimes we might feel embarrassed. It feels vulnerable. Or you feel like someone doesn’t care … it really boils down to you wishing the person would know you.”
Ian admits that being prepared to voice our expectations so they are more likely to be met doesn’t get easier with age.
He shares that Australia’s older generations have expectations around politics and community that seem to be increasingly unmet, but the most hurtful unmet expectations are centred around their adult children.
“The reality is, we struggle to communicate (our expectations) … because we’re fearful of rejection, and so the best thing is to just not say anything, and then we get disappointed when they’re not met … You have to work out what is realistic. What can I expect? And how can I function in that world and not be anxious if things aren’t met?”
Creating realistic expectations of ourselves and others is something all of us struggle with. None more so, shares Nathan, than today’s youth. Teens now not only contend with voices in their immediate family and social circles telling them what they should think, like, say or do, but are also constantly bombarded by countless influencers on social media.
“They (teens) are getting told to expect so many different things … (but) they don’t actually know exactly what they want. Do they want to be coddled and protected, or do they want freedom? They kind of want both, but they can’t have both … communication has to be so key.”
While all our panellists agree with Nathan that communication of our expectations truly is the key to having them met, they also agree that we can realistically expect to be the cause of someone else’s unmet expectations.
If that happens, Collett reminds us, any hurt they show is simply because they want to feel loved and known.
“It always comes back to communicating. My husband says to me, ‘Tell me! Talk to me! I can’t read your mind … It’s about communicating what you’re expecting.”
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