“The best masculinity,” offers Graeme Cowan, during a recent Helping Hands panel discussion on the topic of positive masculinity, “It’s being protective, it’s being caring, and it’s being supportive.”
Today, Graeme is a respected resilience author and speaker and has a mountain of experience when it comes to supporting men to be the best versions of themselves. But Graeme’s simple, yet effective definition of masculinity comes from the fond memories he has of the way his own father valued his mother. He became Graeme’s role model, and it’s clear that his example of positive masculinity has left an indelible footprint on Graeme’s life.
Positive masculinity is a hot topic in today’s social climate as governments, organisations and individuals try to find answers to the question of how to bring an end to devastating violence impacting homes, families and intimate relationships across the country.
Graeme is joined by Collett Smart, psychologist; and Mike Gore, founder and CEO of Charitabl., to inform us about the warning signs of toxic masculinity and discuss what it takes to build towards a healthier model of positive masculinity.
“Masculinity means different things for different cultures,” Collett says. “It depends what your culture sees as the role of a woman, what the role of a man is — in the workplace, in a home, with children. To actually give you a definition is very difficult because it’s going to depend on your culture and your community.”
In Collett’s experience as a psychologist and university lecturer on the topic of masculinity, defining positive masculinity is always cause for amazing debate among her beautifully multicultural student body.
What may be easier to assert, Collett adds, is what positive masculinity is not, and that understanding toxic masculinity can help us see what a healthy model of masculinity should look like.
It doesn’t mean men are toxic, Collett says, nor should men generally be labelled as such. Instead, toxic masculinity is a behaviour some men learn that can be harmful both to themselves and others — an inappropriate expression of a man’s emotion when upset, angry, or hurt.
Mike helpfully makes the relevant point that the healthy expression of a man’s emotions is directly connected to his own mental health, emotional health and belief in his own value.
“Out of the propensity you have, and the ability you have to love yourself, you can therefore love others … Positive masculinity lies in the both/and; men better learning and understanding how it is to love themselves and be proud of themselves, to avoid the toxic side of things like control. To understand that protection isn’t about violence, to understand how to care and be kind.”
Graeme wholeheartedly supports the importance of men first being enabled to love who they are within themselves in order to then interact with others appropriately. And this is the case across the board whether it’s at home, in the workplace or in public.
“I fundamentally believe that there are men that don’t love themselves; that there are men that are feeling insecure. They feel inadequate and lash out … At work, I think it (positive masculinity) is about being decent, it’s about showing respect, it’s about being inclusive, and it’s about building a sense of ‘us’, a sense of belonging.”
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