“Healthy friendships are all about mutuality,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “It’s about being on that even field where one isn’t more important than the other.”
In this episode of Helping Hands, Collett is joined by Nathan Brewer, a youth worker; and Ian Barnett, the founder of the National Grandparent Movement, to discuss healthy friendships.
Across the stages and ages of life, our life choices and circumstances will influence the friendships we look for. Some friendships we make are deep and long-lasting, others are only for a season. But no matter our circumstances, the signs of a healthy friendship are the same.
When asked what a healthy friendship looks like, Collett speaks warmly of her best friend, and says the strength of their friendship, and any healthy friendship, is no judgement.
“When I’m with Lorraine … whatever I tell her, she’s not going to judge me in my freak-out moments, or my darkest moments. She’s there to listen, she’s really open. She doesn’t judge me if I don’t text her fast enough. We pick up where we left off.”
Collett also refers to the work of psychologist, Professor Prinstein, who uses the analogy of a ladder for unhealthy friendships, and the playing field for healthy friendships.
There can only be one person at the top of a friendship ladder, and clinging on no matter what it takes is not healthy for anyone; not for the person on top, or the people striving to be at the top. But on a friendship playing field, everyone enjoys mutual respect and an even footing.
Teenagers are particularly susceptible to unhealthy friendships, says Nathan. When a power balance is at play, he says, young people find themselves on the unhealthy friendship ladder instead of the healthy playing field.
“A healthy friendship is quite inclusive and wants more people to join that circle, where an unhealthy friendship is often, 'it’s just you and me', at the expense of your other friends … Things that the child or teenager used to love, they kind of grow cold against because of the friendship.”
As we age, says Ian, our friendships will inevitably endure disagreements and differences of opinion, but in a healthy friendship, these struggles are always broached with mutual respect. A lifetime of experience and maturity bring the benefit of wisdom to these situations.
“There are certain relationships you have to maintain, but as you get older, there are certain things that you realise, 'That is not helpful for me' … It’s OK to say yes, and it’s OK to say no. We need to work out how to build confidence in not worrying about what ‘they’ will think.”
Knowing our boundaries, and learning how to respectfully communicate them, are essential pieces of the puzzle for healthy friendships. Good friends will respect those boundaries because they want the best for us, no matter how our friendships shift and change.
See the HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS discussion and the full catalogue of Helping Hands panels at helpinghands.tv. Catch up on full episodes of Helping Hands on 9NOW.
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* Our panellists, Collet Smart, Nathan Brewer and Ian Barnett, and the Helping Hands producers are available for interview on radio, TV and online to discuss this topic. Get in touch at helpinghands.tv/contact/
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