One of a parent’s most heartfelt desires is to see a cherished child transform into an independent adult. In the blink of an eye, our tiny baby-turned-giant is ready to leave the nest. But are we ready for this momentous time?
When kids leave home, a complex mix of emotion results. It can leave us feeling emptier than the family home now is. In this Helping Hands panel discussion, experts Collett Smart, Ian Barnett and Nathan Brewer discuss empty nesting – how to prepare for it and survive the upheaval it can bring.
Like every stage of parenting, Collett says, adjusting to an empty nest means adapting to new relationship dynamics both within the household (between you and your partner) and between you and your children. It’s not a time to make demands of your adult children but is instead a time to cultivate friendship at a new level.
It’s an especially significant change for women, she says, because the many tabs we’ve kept open, sometimes for decades, in the management of kids and mothering responsibilities, have now closed.
"Particularly for women, because your house is so quiet, you’ve been doing things around the house for your children all the time, your role changes ... Even for full-time working mums ... suddenly you only have one or two tabs and they’re your own, so you have to ... redefine who you are ... It’s a very vulnerable time for some people when it feels like there’s this gaping hole.”
Ian, who is an empty nester himself, says preparation is the key to a successful transition. Negativity and loneliness are very real risks. He encourages empty nesters to see this time not as being one step closer to the last season of life, but instead to look for the opportunities to reinvent oneself. Even married couples can experience loneliness and confusion about their new role, despite having each other, if they haven’t readied themselves.
"Some people look forward to empty nesting, some people are scared stiff by it ... You have to reinvent yourself ... All of the things you used to do together (before kids) have been consumed by kids ... Is the expectation that I do things with you now? Can I still do things on my own? Should you do things on your own?”
Ian’s advice?
“Enjoy it, expect it. And think about creative ways that you can reconnect together because there is joy to be had.”
Nathan adds how enriching this transition can be when the nature of a parent/child relationship shifts to be more peer-centred but highlights that this can only happen if both child and parent are ready to move forward.
He says this is most likely if parents, throughout the years of child-raising, always work on maintaining their own identities outside of their child-centred roles.
“You’ve got to have an identity outside of your kids. You need to have a marriage identity with your spouse – date nights, holidays for just you two if you can ... and then have your own personal identity – have groups, friends, hobbies that you do outside your kids. If you have lives in which it’s all about the kids, (an empty nest) sends you into a big shock.”
Single parents, Collett says, having borne the solo responsibility of child raising, should be especially aware of the potential loneliness and experience of grief when transitioning to an empty nest. She reiterates Nathan’s wisdom on maintaining a personal identity through social connections outside of the family home.
Among the many excellent points the Helping Hands panellists make, one thing they all agree on is that empty nesters will best cope with this new time of life if they can be prepared both in thought and action. Positivity and pro-active choices to seek new opportunities are the secrets to a healthy transition.
See the EMPTY NESTING discussion and the full catalogue of Helping Hands panels at helpinghands.tv. Catch up on full episodes of Helping Hands on 9NOW.
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* Our panellists, Collett Smart, Nathan Brewer and Ian Barnett, and the Helping Hands producers are available for interview on radio, TV and online to discuss this topic. Get in touch at helpinghands.tv/contact/
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