A purple velvet duvet. A scented candle. A piece of artwork. These simple choices might seem trivial when furnishing a home, but for survivors of domestic violence, the ability to choose represents something profound: the restoration of agency and self-worth. That's the message from Helping Hands panellists Ren Fernando (co-founder of ReLove), Steve Frost (founder and director of Horizons Family Law Centre), and Kate Fylan (family and domestic violence state manager at the Salvation Army).
Why Having a Voice Matters
“Voice and agency are often suppressed by ... domestic violence," explains Kate. "When women and children come to our service in the Salvation Army, being listened to and being asked 'what do you need?' is a really important starting place."
Steve Frost says domestic abuse erodes a person’s sense of self-worth. "It just eats away at people's self-confidence … Often times [victims are] told by the person who’s doing those things to them, 'you're imagining it, no one will believe you'."
When someone listens with compassion and belief, Steve says it can restore self-confidence and help survivors piece their story together for the first time.
Choice as Transformation
At ReLove, Ren sees personal restoration take place each time a survivor of domestic violence shops for furniture for their new home.
"We're not telling them at all what their place should look like," says Ren. "If you want a purple velvet doona with a zebra print heart cushion, go for it, it’s yours."
This moment is transformational. "They walk in and somebody's saying, 'What would you like? How would you like your new home to look?'"
For many of ReLove’s clients, this is the first time they have been empowered to make their own choices without fear of violence.
The Journey to Self-Worth
Ren explains that many of their clients initially struggle to accept items from the free furniture store. Overcoming years of fear, self-doubt and a lack of confidence can be difficult to overcome.
"People don't come in saying we want everything," explains Ren, and says the ReLove team encourage clients to choose items that will reflect their self worth. "We encourage them ... to take a scented candle, to choose artwork."
Kate explains this erosion of self-worth is a result of coercive control: "When somebody isn't valued, they're easier to control."
At ReLove, staff give clients time to experience choice at their own pace.
"Within about 20 minutes, there's usually people crying, hugging, laughing," says Ren. "Choosing a scent, colours, cushions ... it's giving people this beautiful, joyous moment of starting over."
Community Support Makes the Difference
ReLove receives donations from hotels, corporates, clubs, furniture stores and anyone who has quality furniture to donate. In just over four years, ReLove has supported over 2,500 people into housing. "We're powered by volunteers," says Ren. “You can feel the kindness [from our volunteers].
ReLove’s kindness has lasting impact. Women return to violent partners an average of seven to eight times, often choosing between fear or poverty. "When they feel kindness and support, they'll remember that," Ren explains. "That will help them make that choice again to leave."
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call 1800 RESPECT, or Lifeline: 13 11 14.
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